I am not sure why he was asking really, maybe just getting his bearings. But my answer was, “Maybe.” A wary and uncommitted, “Maybe.”

And as I told him, I left the poly world in good part because I was tired of never being a primary.

This morning I came upon a post by Cunning Minx which elaborates on this better than I was able to last night. I am posting it in full here, because I can’t find a direct link to her post. She begins by referencing a post by Mollena:

The Perverted Negress » Less is More. »

From Mollena’s post:

I’ve been around a while, and I am not a shrinking violet when it comes to hopping around the country chilling with my Leather and Kinky and Sex Positive and Freaky Peeps. And due to this, many assume I play all the time, everywhere.

This is not the case.

I don’t have people banging down my door. This is just the fact. Why? Lots of reasons I suppose. But since I’m in a bit of a gutwrenching funk, I’ll focus on the one thing I can think about without it becoming a festival of self-deprecation.

This morning, on Twitter (which is often my source for thoughtful mental snacks) @sexisfuncoochie asked me to expand on “thoughts re: poly & single people prioritization.” And that was in response to my previous Tweet where I said “when everyone’s poly, single girls don’t get prioritized.”

AMEN, sister! Thanks for ranting for me, so I don’t have to. Personally, I’m really sick of not being a priority for anyone but myself. I’m sick of not being welcomed into homes and lives because the primary partner “isn’t ready yet.” I’m sick of never getting to scene because the other partners always come first.

But mostly, I’m really sick and tired of other poly folks not understanding what it’s like. When they drop jaws and say, “YOU, Minx, you can’t get a scene/partner/date?”

No, I can’t. Because you’re busy. Because your partner needs you. Because I always come last in the scheduling.

And I’m with Mollena—I’m not saying that’s wrong; of course you should consider your primary’s feelings, and of course you should be taking care of her first. I’m just asking that you put yourself in a single gal’s shoes for five minutes.

How do you think it makes us feel when, time after time, we have to meet at my place, not yours, because your partner isn’t comfortable yet? Any idea what it feels like to not be welcomed into the home of a person you’re dating, over and over again? Any idea what it feels like to know that the second that the couple hits a bump, you’re out on your ass? Any idea what it feels like, as a submissive, to get up the courage to ask for a scene, and then be blown off because you forgot you had to scene with your partner first? And to have scenes not happen/be blown off over and over again, multiple times at the same event? (I once set up five—count them, FIVE scenes at an event. Every. Single. Person. Bailed.)

And then, the cherry on top, to have people come up and say, “Oh, I’d love to scene with you sometime.” Or “I can’t imagine anyone blowing you off.” I know it’s supposed to be a compliment, but it does get very tiring to have years of compliments—and zero play.

So thanks, Mollena, for doing the rant for me. I hate being this frakkin’ negative, but the truth must out. Being a single submissive in a poly world sucks!

And thank you Minx, for compiling a great rant for me.