I worked with another of Max‘s students this week, and as always, in the process I learned something myself.

All my life I’ve been inclined to be helpful. Being helpful has its purpose and place, certainly−people frequently need help. But there are two big pitfalls to being a helpful person.

One: losing balance.

Two: being a know-it-all.

I am too familiar with both these pits. “Losing balance” is the one where I fail to attend to my own needs and desires, always putting everyone else first. This depletes me and weakens my real ability to be a helpful person. And for me, it has meant a long-time inattention to my body, ignoring and neglecting it.

“Know-it-all” is the one where I habitually anticipate what’s-next, predicting what someone will need or want. This is a great behavior when I am working in the role of someone’s assistant, but it is a lousy trait to bring into relationships; Who am I to believe I know what is good or best or right for someone else?

Some very many years ago I began to see the error of my ways, and began revamping my tendencies. It hasn’t been easy−it’s meant a real change to the identity I had built. I still struggle to be appropriately helpful to other people, without being destructive to myself, or my relationships.

My adventures into kinky realms where submission and service are a norm have certainly stirred up my old ways. And it’s not as clear a realm as it might appear on the surface.

First let me just say that I am a novice in this territory. There’s a lot that I don’t understand, and even more that I don’t even know.

Secondly, I am not ready to wear labels. I know I am−by many viewpoints−kinky. But I don’t feel right acquiring the label “masochist” just because I’m not a “sadist”, nor calling myself “submissive” just because I don’t feel an urge to be “dominant”.

Handily−because most of the kinky stuff I do involves rope−I can comfortably label myself a “bottom”–common parlance for the person who is being tied up (the label “top” going to the person wielding the ropes).

Okay, so working with Max’s students, I am bottoming. I am providing my body for people to practice their rope skills. Whatever happens during these sessions is up to Max and the student with whom he is working; I don’t have to make decisions, I don’t have to ensure anything. Really, my sole responsibility is to speak up if my body is unhappy, if I’ve reached my limits. And when that happens, Max and his student turn their attention to making things better−for me.

What interesting circumstances for a girl such as me−to be serving someone, to be helpful, and yet my only real job is to take care of myself.

During this most recent session with Max, his student was very attentive to things such as the silhouette of my body and the lay of the ropes−there was a high aesthetic to his practice. I found this intriguing and pleasant. He and Max concocted a partial suspension that involved a harness around my chest and hips and several up-lines running from me to the ceiling. It was simple, yet with all the angles and all the ropes, when it came time to unravel the bondage there was rope everywhere. I was sitting on the floor surrounded by all the hemp, and still wearing the chest harness.

And this is when I decided to be helpful … and I stood up−to make it easier to have my harness removed.

I’d like to say that I saw my blunder right away. I did not. But I see it now.

It wasn’t my job to make it easier for my top to do his work. It’s his role to let me know what he wants.

This is very different territory than I am used to. I have so much to learn.

When I was up at Babeland for a Midori workshop, there was a little post-workshop open house, and a cute staff member was demo-ing this little ten tongue device. Um, I do say, it was Lick-like.

Sqweel!

As you know, I have been working now and again as a stunt bottom for a rope bondage student of Max’s.

It has been a very wonderful experience for me, and I am excited that Max has another student who wants/needs a rope bottom for his lessons.

So far, I have been doing this gratis, just for the fun and education of it. It is work, though. And I am happy that this next student will be paying me for my time/effort.

And now I am fantasizing that this kind of thing become a regular thing. I’d only need to to do this a few times a week to be able to pay my bills . . . hmmm.

Photo: Bondage #2 by Michael M. Ferrario and used with Creative Commons license

∞  ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Over the last few weeks I have been serving as a stunt bottom for someone who is taking private lessons from Max of BondageLessons.com. (“Bottom” meaning the person inside the ropes, and “Top” meaning the person applying the ropes.) Doing this has given me a very special opportunity to really focus on what it is like to be inside the ropes, and to try and articulate my experiences. I have been writing about some of that here on this blog.

I have found that rope bondage brings an amazing range of experiences, and I am becoming more and more passionate about it.

Granted, rope bondage (or whatever kink) might not be for you. (Uh heck, it didn’t used to be for me …)

But if you are curious to explore and are lucky to live in the Pacific Northwest, there are many opportunities. One, coming up in about two weeks, is Max’s workshop, “Bondage from the Bottom’s Perspective,” exploring the question:

What happens in someone’s head when they’re restrained?

This workshop starts with the bottom’s headspace and works backwards to technique. We’ll discuss different types of bottoms, the scenes most appropriate to them, and how tops and bottoms can maximize the likelihood of getting what they want out of a scene.

There’ll be demonstrations of bondage and discussions of what it is like to be in bondage.

This will be a nice chance for people who are curious about bondage–whether as a “bottom” or a “top”–to easily explore this realm. You won’t have to “risk” getting tied up, or bumble about tying up someone, but you will get a lot of information to contemplate, and you will meet people you can learn from if you decide you want to explore this more (including Max).

Another lesson with Max. This stunt bottom stuff is challenging, but educational and fun.

The photo is of the second lesson of the day. It has taken awhile to set up all the harnesses and “up lines” (the ones that run from the body up up up to a hard point of secure attachment somewhere above). I am already a little worn from the first lesson of the day, which was a partial suspension that had me first on tip-toes, then on one foot, then up, up, up and completely suspended.

But anyway. The second lesson.

One of the goals was to practice the “bridge” which is what you see there in the red ropes running upwards from my hip harness. See the three separate loops? These distribute the lift and allow the harness to be pulled upwards without collapsing all the wraps of the harness into just one row.

From the perspective inside the ropes, this is nice because the weight remains more evenly distributed, mitigating “hot spots” of pressure, which can be difficult to endure.

And from outside the ropes, the bridge helps keep things tidier, more beautiful. Some people don’t care so much about that, but I do.

The second goal of the lesson was to practice adjusting the up lines. This meant setting up the harnesses and up lines, and then raising me incrementally, bit by bit until I was well above the floor.

This was much more grueling than I’d anticipated. Granted, I was a little spent already, but as I write this I just realized the truly stressful element.

Every other suspension I have done involved a lift that made a rapid transition from my weight on the ground to my weight on the ropes. It might have been jarring or painful, but the shift happened pretty much all at once, and then I settled into the sensations.

But in this lesson the lift was slow. Each line was hoisted some, tied off, and then the next line was hoisted–until all four lines had been raised. Then the pattern was repeated, lifting me higher and higher above the ground.

This incremental hoisting caused my weight to be shifted repeatedly, bearing down in a new way with each lift. In retrospect I estimate there were a dozen or more separate hoists.

Each of these times I had to meet the sensations anew–at each of the four rope-points on my body–find my relationship to the rope, meet new pieces of pain.

And I think this need to repeatedly establish my relationship to the ropes is what ultimately made this session taxing.

Interesting.

Photo of me, by Max

Let’s begin with the term “dickie”. Does anyone outside a battered double-wide trailer call a penis a “dickie”? Really?

Then there’s the part about paying $2.40 each for what is essentially a paper towel with a hole in the middle. Really?

And the part about “just spit it out.” Like you need a bib on his cock so you don’t have to swallow? Really?

Look luvs. Grab a 12-pack of plain white terry washcloths next time you are at Costco, wash ‘em a few times, cut off the scratchy labels, and keep them tucked in a drawer or a basket by the bed. Easy.

Sexy Seattle Twitter-loving peeps, check out Cupcake Royale’s V-day promo. Tweet two words describing why their Deathcake cupcake is all the love you need, and you could win two tickets to Dan Savage’s V-eve bash.

A sweet suspension “ring” available through Twisted Monk.

Indulgence chocolates via MoSex. Here are the “notes” from the catalog. I’m sure you see my point.

Inflame your senses with Museum of Sex Indulgence aphrodisiac chocolates. Created by world-renowned chocolatier Chocolat Moderne exclusively for the Museum of Sex, Indulgence is a decadent blend of the highest quality Valrhona chocolate and silky caramel infused with Shichimi Togarashi, a 400-year old Japanese aphrodisiac blend of red chili pepper, ginger root, orange zest, and black peppercorn. Every bite is a sensual delight for you and your lover.

I am so thrilled with what I learned this weekend. The whole weekend was packed with great experiences, and working with Max was one of them.

This photo is of the “homework” that I did this morning after meeting with Max and his student yesterday. I wasn’t sure that I had paid attention well enough to replicate what Max had demonstrated, but YES, I did.

I am excited that I was able to recreate this tie at home. For me it means that I have really learned some “building blocks” for simple bondage, that I don’t have to struggle with those, and can now just do certain things. You know, rather like driving, where in time you know enough about an automobile that you don’t have to concentrate on things like holding the steering wheel and touching the gas pedal, and instead can focus on getting to where you are going.

This is a big step for me.

Oh, I have a ton left to learn before I can even pretend to be proficient, but now it’s like I can actually see proficiency in my future.

And I am developing a greater awareness of nuances (and I am going to continue trying to catalog them).

This tie in the photograph Max had demonstrated on my wrists, but since I cannot practice on my wrists I built it around my ankles. And from this I learned a couple of things. It was nice to stand in this bondage with my feet apart rather than in a typical tied-close-together fashion. Being able to have a feet-apart stance eliminated the rather perilous, easily-off-balance position that comes when the ankles are bound close together.

And obviously this tie becomes a hobble–allowing the feet to “walk” slowly. But the interesting discovery was that while the tie is quite comfortable without movement, once I started hobbling across the floor, the cuffs worked back-and-forth on my skin, in a very rough and painful fashion–quite discouraging moving.

I love working with Max. He is very perceptive and can dial in on what his student needs, adjusting any lesson plan to fit the flow of the moment. It’s probably the extreme depth and degree of his experience that makes that happen. Whatever it is, it makes for a “classroom” where even I in my clumsy fashion can learn.