I’m disappointed too. When I started here I anticipated chronicling my personal journey, starting from a relationship-gone-flat and exploring the myriad ways that “sex” and things “sexy” could help me heal and transform.

But what I found in this year since my marriage ended is that I have been too broken to open myself to intimate sex. And, I have been so fraught with feeling rejected, that casual sex has seemed like only a way to exacerbate my pain.

Nevertheless I’ve known all along that intense experiences would be a key to moving on. And I have cultivated those, as best I could, in an array of ways. (Swimming this summer in five different bodies of water has been one such cultivation.)

And now, I am leaping into a new kind of intensity: an entirely new way of life in a new location. Next week I move to a little piece of property that I own, off the grid, in a beautiful, remote part of the Pacific Northwest. I will have to work very hard and I will have to learn many new things. But I will be surrounded by acres and acres and acres of “nature”−pine trees and eagles and big, blue skies−an intensity of environment, which I hope will sooth my heart and soul.

Now granted, moving to the middle-of-nowhere is counter to immersing myself in “sex” but my hope is that when I emerge from my 100 acre wood, I will have a heart and soul that is once again ready for deep intimacy.

I worked with another of Max‘s students this week, and as always, in the process I learned something myself.

All my life I’ve been inclined to be helpful. Being helpful has its purpose and place, certainly−people frequently need help. But there are two big pitfalls to being a helpful person.

One: losing balance.

Two: being a know-it-all.

I am too familiar with both these pits. “Losing balance” is the one where I fail to attend to my own needs and desires, always putting everyone else first. This depletes me and weakens my real ability to be a helpful person. And for me, it has meant a long-time inattention to my body, ignoring and neglecting it.

“Know-it-all” is the one where I habitually anticipate what’s-next, predicting what someone will need or want. This is a great behavior when I am working in the role of someone’s assistant, but it is a lousy trait to bring into relationships; Who am I to believe I know what is good or best or right for someone else?

Some very many years ago I began to see the error of my ways, and began revamping my tendencies. It hasn’t been easy−it’s meant a real change to the identity I had built. I still struggle to be appropriately helpful to other people, without being destructive to myself, or my relationships.

My adventures into kinky realms where submission and service are a norm have certainly stirred up my old ways. And it’s not as clear a realm as it might appear on the surface.

First let me just say that I am a novice in this territory. There’s a lot that I don’t understand, and even more that I don’t even know.

Secondly, I am not ready to wear labels. I know I am−by many viewpoints−kinky. But I don’t feel right acquiring the label “masochist” just because I’m not a “sadist”, nor calling myself “submissive” just because I don’t feel an urge to be “dominant”.

Handily−because most of the kinky stuff I do involves rope−I can comfortably label myself a “bottom”–common parlance for the person who is being tied up (the label “top” going to the person wielding the ropes).

Okay, so working with Max’s students, I am bottoming. I am providing my body for people to practice their rope skills. Whatever happens during these sessions is up to Max and the student with whom he is working; I don’t have to make decisions, I don’t have to ensure anything. Really, my sole responsibility is to speak up if my body is unhappy, if I’ve reached my limits. And when that happens, Max and his student turn their attention to making things better−for me.

What interesting circumstances for a girl such as me−to be serving someone, to be helpful, and yet my only real job is to take care of myself.

During this most recent session with Max, his student was very attentive to things such as the silhouette of my body and the lay of the ropes−there was a high aesthetic to his practice. I found this intriguing and pleasant. He and Max concocted a partial suspension that involved a harness around my chest and hips and several up-lines running from me to the ceiling. It was simple, yet with all the angles and all the ropes, when it came time to unravel the bondage there was rope everywhere. I was sitting on the floor surrounded by all the hemp, and still wearing the chest harness.

And this is when I decided to be helpful … and I stood up−to make it easier to have my harness removed.

I’d like to say that I saw my blunder right away. I did not. But I see it now.

It wasn’t my job to make it easier for my top to do his work. It’s his role to let me know what he wants.

This is very different territory than I am used to. I have so much to learn.

∞  ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Over the last few weeks I have been serving as a stunt bottom for someone who is taking private lessons from Max of BondageLessons.com. (“Bottom” meaning the person inside the ropes, and “Top” meaning the person applying the ropes.) Doing this has given me a very special opportunity to really focus on what it is like to be inside the ropes, and to try and articulate my experiences. I have been writing about some of that here on this blog.

I have found that rope bondage brings an amazing range of experiences, and I am becoming more and more passionate about it.

Granted, rope bondage (or whatever kink) might not be for you. (Uh heck, it didn’t used to be for me …)

But if you are curious to explore and are lucky to live in the Pacific Northwest, there are many opportunities. One, coming up in about two weeks, is Max’s workshop, “Bondage from the Bottom’s Perspective,” exploring the question:

What happens in someone’s head when they’re restrained?

This workshop starts with the bottom’s headspace and works backwards to technique. We’ll discuss different types of bottoms, the scenes most appropriate to them, and how tops and bottoms can maximize the likelihood of getting what they want out of a scene.

There’ll be demonstrations of bondage and discussions of what it is like to be in bondage.

This will be a nice chance for people who are curious about bondage–whether as a “bottom” or a “top”–to easily explore this realm. You won’t have to “risk” getting tied up, or bumble about tying up someone, but you will get a lot of information to contemplate, and you will meet people you can learn from if you decide you want to explore this more (including Max).

Another lesson with Max. This stunt bottom stuff is challenging, but educational and fun.

The photo is of the second lesson of the day. It has taken awhile to set up all the harnesses and “up lines” (the ones that run from the body up up up to a hard point of secure attachment somewhere above). I am already a little worn from the first lesson of the day, which was a partial suspension that had me first on tip-toes, then on one foot, then up, up, up and completely suspended.

But anyway. The second lesson.

One of the goals was to practice the “bridge” which is what you see there in the red ropes running upwards from my hip harness. See the three separate loops? These distribute the lift and allow the harness to be pulled upwards without collapsing all the wraps of the harness into just one row.

From the perspective inside the ropes, this is nice because the weight remains more evenly distributed, mitigating “hot spots” of pressure, which can be difficult to endure.

And from outside the ropes, the bridge helps keep things tidier, more beautiful. Some people don’t care so much about that, but I do.

The second goal of the lesson was to practice adjusting the up lines. This meant setting up the harnesses and up lines, and then raising me incrementally, bit by bit until I was well above the floor.

This was much more grueling than I’d anticipated. Granted, I was a little spent already, but as I write this I just realized the truly stressful element.

Every other suspension I have done involved a lift that made a rapid transition from my weight on the ground to my weight on the ropes. It might have been jarring or painful, but the shift happened pretty much all at once, and then I settled into the sensations.

But in this lesson the lift was slow. Each line was hoisted some, tied off, and then the next line was hoisted–until all four lines had been raised. Then the pattern was repeated, lifting me higher and higher above the ground.

This incremental hoisting caused my weight to be shifted repeatedly, bearing down in a new way with each lift. In retrospect I estimate there were a dozen or more separate hoists.

Each of these times I had to meet the sensations anew–at each of the four rope-points on my body–find my relationship to the rope, meet new pieces of pain.

And I think this need to repeatedly establish my relationship to the ropes is what ultimately made this session taxing.

Interesting.

Photo of me, by Max

I am so thrilled with what I learned this weekend. The whole weekend was packed with great experiences, and working with Max was one of them.

This photo is of the “homework” that I did this morning after meeting with Max and his student yesterday. I wasn’t sure that I had paid attention well enough to replicate what Max had demonstrated, but YES, I did.

I am excited that I was able to recreate this tie at home. For me it means that I have really learned some “building blocks” for simple bondage, that I don’t have to struggle with those, and can now just do certain things. You know, rather like driving, where in time you know enough about an automobile that you don’t have to concentrate on things like holding the steering wheel and touching the gas pedal, and instead can focus on getting to where you are going.

This is a big step for me.

Oh, I have a ton left to learn before I can even pretend to be proficient, but now it’s like I can actually see proficiency in my future.

And I am developing a greater awareness of nuances (and I am going to continue trying to catalog them).

This tie in the photograph Max had demonstrated on my wrists, but since I cannot practice on my wrists I built it around my ankles. And from this I learned a couple of things. It was nice to stand in this bondage with my feet apart rather than in a typical tied-close-together fashion. Being able to have a feet-apart stance eliminated the rather perilous, easily-off-balance position that comes when the ankles are bound close together.

And obviously this tie becomes a hobble–allowing the feet to “walk” slowly. But the interesting discovery was that while the tie is quite comfortable without movement, once I started hobbling across the floor, the cuffs worked back-and-forth on my skin, in a very rough and painful fashion–quite discouraging moving.

I love working with Max. He is very perceptive and can dial in on what his student needs, adjusting any lesson plan to fit the flow of the moment. It’s probably the extreme depth and degree of his experience that makes that happen. Whatever it is, it makes for a “classroom” where even I in my clumsy fashion can learn.

Max had a new student for private lessons who needed a rope bottom to try things on during the lessons, and long story short, I ended up the lucky winner.

This was a perfect thing for me. I would never answer some random advertisement for someone looking to practice bondage. But because the whole thing was through Max–whom I trust completely–I had no important hesitations.

And what better way for me to learn more about bondage? I get to essentially “audit” the instruction, adding to my own repertoire during the lessons, but I also get to zone out a little here and there and just have a nice rope bottom experience. I mean it’s not like I really have to be paying attention to how to tie one knot or another … but if I do, I learn more.

But today what I learned most were some nuances about the experience of bondage that I hadn’t honed in on before.

This was in part because I was trying to give good feedback to Max’s fledging top–by verbalizing certain bits of my experience. For example, while Max was teaching his student a chest harness, student asked about wrapping the harness from behind versus wrapping it by walking around and around me.

And I tuned into the processes–they really are different. When my rope top stands behind me and wraps the harness strictly from that position, there’s some degree of “stranger danger” quality because I cannot see this person who is applying the ropes. But there is also a large amount of connection and intimacy, because of the closeness of our bodies, including the warmth of the top’s breath upon me.

But with a harness that is built by walking around me to make the wraps, there is a flow that emerges, and a soothing cadence that develops by virtue of the repetition of the top’s body (and hands) moving around, and around, and around, and around. In repetition there comes a predictability that humans find agreeable–because we know what to expect, a sense of safety emerges.

I will try and get back here tomorrow and write some more about the nuances I found, but this girl is tired and is off to bed now.

For one, Max has announced his curriculum/schedule for the coming months, and I am interested in each and every topic he is presenting in Seattle. In addition to Max’s usual monthly workshops at CSPC, he is offering a three-part series, Topping to the Next Level, co-taught with Russell. I have the schedule lined out below.

But first, returning to my on-going quest to explain, “why bondage?” here’s a snippet of my favorite rope supplier’s explanation.

“Rope is an extension of the body,” Monk said, . . . “When you’re in bondage, you’re literally wrapped up in another person’s desire. They’ve taken the time to encase you.”

from Tied Up in the Erotic Heritage Museum

I love that bit about wrapped in desire.

And here’s Max’s very full schedule. (We are so spoiled here in Seattle.)

Sunday February 7th
Partial Suspension Bondage

Sunday, February 20th, with Russell, Part 1 of 3
Techniques for Thoughtful Tops

Sunday, March 7th
Bondage from the Bottom’s Perspective

Sunday, March 13th, with Russell, Part 2 of 3
Hot Negotiation

Sunday April 4th
Bondage for Sex

Sunday, April 10th, with Russell, Part 3 of 3
How to Push

Saturday April 24th – Sunday 25th
Two Day Bondage Intensive in Seattle

Sunday May 2nd
When Things go Wrong – What to do and What to learn

(Max is also presenting in Atlanta, March 26 – March 28.)

But I have an argument all prepared, to justify the purchase.

See, I actually use boric acid. It’s something that multiple health care practitioners have prescribed as a way to help keep my vaginal flora and fauna properly balanced. I fill little gelatin capsules with boric acid powder and do the suppository thing. And it works, like nothing else has–in spite of the fact that boric acid is also used to kill rodents. That part does disturb me.

But I have trouble remembering to use the boric acid treatment, so my rationalization for purchasing this swell–but pricey–antique pharmacy bottle is that I could set it on my night stand and it would make my capsules more obvious, and this would help me take care of myself. Maybe that makes it a tax-deducible purchase?

In completely unrelated news, I am thinking about taking this workshop at Babeland in a couple of weeks.

Midori: The Art of Feminine Dominance, Level 1

Sunday, January 31, 07:30PM, $35

Elegance, power and confidence…learn an effective style of dominance that is authentic to you. Using her own special technique, Midori will help you to find your power femme archetype, allowing you to pursue erotic fulfillment and sensual power play. She will discuss psychology, politics, practical exercises, techniques, fashion and more. Something for everyone from the novice to the experienced.(7:30-9:30pm)

Contact Store for More Information

Why? Why is this crossing my mind–training in dominance? I am not altogether sure. I like Midori. I like the terminology “power femme archetype.” And I seem to be encountering many men who want to be dominated a little. So, for $35.00, why not see what a professional has to say about it?

It helps a lot (okay, it helps ENORMOUSLY) that my lab partner has a ton of climbing experience and so is well-versed with knots and ways to use them–he has been totally coaching me. Very cute, too, when I am working on him and he says, “Here, like this,” and takes the rope in his hands and turns it or knots it the way he wants.

Although I am still working on the very basics, it was fun to veer off on some ideas that I had–a certain line or look that I wanted to accomplish with the rope.

I am learning through trial and error, and that is good. I learn so much more when the rope is in my hands and I am doing things with it; it is very hard for me to really learn anything just by watching.

We watched some of the Jay Wiseman video, and frankly it was a little disappointing. Maybe it was the production quality–we were certainly distracted by the funkiness of the backdrops and the overdub. And maybe it was just that we were really done for the day–having already had a good dose of our own (creative) fun with our ropes.

Today I poked around some and played with some fun knots at Tying It All Together’s YouTube channel. There was a Celtic Heart knot–that I would like to work into a harness somehow–and a Thumb Cuff–which I think could be quite fun to play with, especially because I could sit so innocently idly fumbling with a bit of rope–like a lady mindlessly knitting–and then “presto”–a device of restraint.

He says this in a kind of condescending dismissive fashion, like, “why settle?”

We go on to agree with each other that exceptional sex occurs above the neck. It’s easy to just fuck, but having our head engaged and connected with our lover is what makes for remarkable sex. That’s our opinion anyway, and it’s a developing opinion, a change from our notions in our more youthful days. And it’s quite a statement coming from David, given that he loves to fuck.

Later, I am sitting in a circle of female friends and our conversation is about being present, right here, right now, and the talk spins somehow to the topic of being present during sex (or not). And we all end up confessing (well, it seems like a confession) that we have an abundance of experience with not truly being present during sex, not really being connected to our lover.

And I chime in at some point with my current sermon that Good Sex is the key to Happiness, and that the key to Good Sex is Authenticity. (I think you can follow the logic embedded here, that if A requires B and B requires C, then A requires C–happiness relies upon authenticity, and there’s the bonus of good sex in between.)

I tell my friends how I am on a quest these days to bring myself more fully into the now (and drag myself out of my noisy, distracting thoughts). I have decided to try engaging my body more, pursuing extraordinary sensory experiences as a way of unveiling more of my true self. There is a large range of possibility here–for I have five senses–any of which I could load-up with intense experience: fine dark chocolate, Tuning the Air, walks in the chilly sunrise.

Of course my bondage adventures align with my quest–the physical sensations on many levels: color, texture, pressure, pain, even the thunk of a coil of rope landing on a cement floor.

So, I tell my friends just a bit about some time I spent awhile ago with a man who understands and dispenses sensory intensity. I don’t give them many details, but try to convey that a high-stim experience indeed took me out of my thinking mind, and made me keenly aware of my body and very connected to myself; I was taken very, very much into the present moment.

And I did not go on to elaborate for them the sexual experience that evolved in the encounter–the arousal that rose to encompass all parts of me, from my tiptoes to the synapses in my pretty little brain. An arousal that rolled into uncensored and all encompassing orgasms that would possess me, sometimes for just a breathe or two, sometimes much longer–repeatedly over the course of two hours.

∞

Something I have contemplated since that night, is how so many of my orgasms were triggered in my mind. Multiple times I would look at this man–his legs or ass or arms or neck–really taking in his physical presence, his existence–and then waves of pleasure would erupt within me. Or I would recall something he had done to me–how he had touched me, manipulated my body, or the words and the warmth of his breath as he had whispered in my ear–and the waves would tumble through me again.

∞

I keep thinking about David’s comment, that anyone can fuck. I ponder the intensity of my body’s response to my thoughts when I was with this man. There was certainly a cycle of my body’s response arousing my mental response, and that response arousing my body even further. And there is absolutely the fact that it was my initial mental response to this man that brought me to a physical connection with him.

When I was younger, I was frequently happy to just fuck–”just fuck” as in, 80% of the stimulation occurring below the neck, no dynamic connection or engagement above the neck. (Okay, excluding kissing, which is technically above the neck, but for purposes of this discussion, it counts as below the neck :)

But anymore “just fucking” is just not enough for me. I suppose that makes me not much of a modern girl, I don’t know, but frankly I kind of don’t really care. What makes me soar is that which makes my heart soar–and connections are what make my heart soar, or experiences based upon connections.

Maybe I will change my mind about this. Maybe I will acquire a sex life that is so steeped in connections that I will be satiated, and feel comfortable wandering off into zipless fucks. But that’s not my pursuit.

And my recent experience wherein I found myself triggering multiple orgasms with my thoughts alone (albeit, after some serious all-over stimulation, but still . . .), it just fuels my quest for fucking-above-the-neck, before I fuck below the waist.