Helping by not helping.

I worked with another of Max‘s students this week, and as always, in the process I learned something myself.

All my life I’ve been inclined to be helpful. Being helpful has its purpose and place, certainly−people frequently need help. But there are two big pitfalls to being a helpful person.

One: losing balance.

Two: being a know-it-all.

I am too familiar with both these pits. “Losing balance” is the one where I fail to attend to my own needs and desires, always putting everyone else first. This depletes me and weakens my real ability to be a helpful person. And for me, it has meant a long-time inattention to my body, ignoring and neglecting it.

“Know-it-all” is the one where I habitually anticipate what’s-next, predicting what someone will need or want. This is a great behavior when I am working in the role of someone’s assistant, but it is a lousy trait to bring into relationships; Who am I to believe I know what is good or best or right for someone else?

Some very many years ago I began to see the error of my ways, and began revamping my tendencies. It hasn’t been easy−it’s meant a real change to the identity I had built. I still struggle to be appropriately helpful to other people, without being destructive to myself, or my relationships.

My adventures into kinky realms where submission and service are a norm have certainly stirred up my old ways. And it’s not as clear a realm as it might appear on the surface.

First let me just say that I am a novice in this territory. There’s a lot that I don’t understand, and even more that I don’t even know.

Secondly, I am not ready to wear labels. I know I am−by many viewpoints−kinky. But I don’t feel right acquiring the label “masochist” just because I’m not a “sadist”, nor calling myself “submissive” just because I don’t feel an urge to be “dominant”.

Handily−because most of the kinky stuff I do involves rope−I can comfortably label myself a “bottom”–common parlance for the person who is being tied up (the label “top” going to the person wielding the ropes).

Okay, so working with Max’s students, I am bottoming. I am providing my body for people to practice their rope skills. Whatever happens during these sessions is up to Max and the student with whom he is working; I don’t have to make decisions, I don’t have to ensure anything. Really, my sole responsibility is to speak up if my body is unhappy, if I’ve reached my limits. And when that happens, Max and his student turn their attention to making things better−for me.

What interesting circumstances for a girl such as me−to be serving someone, to be helpful, and yet my only real job is to take care of myself.

During this most recent session with Max, his student was very attentive to things such as the silhouette of my body and the lay of the ropes−there was a high aesthetic to his practice. I found this intriguing and pleasant. He and Max concocted a partial suspension that involved a harness around my chest and hips and several up-lines running from me to the ceiling. It was simple, yet with all the angles and all the ropes, when it came time to unravel the bondage there was rope everywhere. I was sitting on the floor surrounded by all the hemp, and still wearing the chest harness.

And this is when I decided to be helpful … and I stood up−to make it easier to have my harness removed.

I’d like to say that I saw my blunder right away. I did not. But I see it now.

It wasn’t my job to make it easier for my top to do his work. It’s his role to let me know what he wants.

This is very different territory than I am used to. I have so much to learn.